Sweetie Candy Vigilante is a new comic written by Suzanne Cafiero.
I Just Wanted Something New, Not Something Awful
My personal adventure into alternative comics led me to Sweetie Candy Vigilante. I marked the release date on my calendar and of course, did my research prior to finally exchanging a few dollars for this comic.
The first thing I want to say is that I am so happy that comics do not cost a lot because the first issue of Sweetie Candy Vigilante is just not it.
Well, at least for me it isn’t it.
Sweetie Candy Vigilante Facts
- Writer: Suzanne Cafiero
- Artist: Jeff Zornow
- Colorist: Antonio Fabella
- Letterer: Josh Howard
- Lettering Assists: DC Hopkins
- Editor, Art Director: John Cafiero
- Variant Cover C: Jeff Zornow
- Cover Colorist: Ned Ivory & Jeff Zornow
- Variant Covers: Josh Howard
- Produced by John Cafiero
- Created by Suzanne Cafiero
- Published by Dynamite Comics
- Genre: Horror Fantasy
- Rating: Mature
Who Is Sweetie?
Sweetie Candy Vigilante is a honey-dipped, dark-humor infused horror/fantasy that tells the tale of Sweetie, an ethereal, beautiful, charming, well-meaning (yet unquestionably unhinged) blood relative of the mythological “candy man”…you know, the dude that takes the sunrise and sprinkles it with dew? Yeah – that guy.
Dismayed by the blight and decay of her community, Sweetie is hell-bent on enacting a blood-caked, sugar-coated manifesto on society by utilizing her other-worldly powers and proprietary family secrets in her quest to make the world a “sweeter” place.
She’s starting brick-by-brick in her hometown, New York City.
The First Issue of Our Vigilante Is About
In issue #1, on a snowy, icy night, Sweetie pays a visit to a NYC landmark sweet shop known as the Ice Cream Bunny, hoping to find its namesake at the helm. To her dismay, she finds the shop transformed from its once sugary splendor to a salty den of iniquity.
The once-beloved store is now a front for a notorious crime syndicate, and they’re not very nice at all. Sweetie uses her captivating persona and unassuming confectionary weapons to tear the place, and its gang of thugs, limb from limb – as the first step to restoring its former glory.
All the while enjoying a dynamic punk rendering of the Archies’ pop classic “Sugar, Sugar” on the jukebox, as heads roll – literally.
My original thoughts prior to picking up this comic were…
“Okay, this could be cool. The character is based on candy, but she is a badass. Hmm, Interesting.”
Yeah, I was optimistic about a pleasant surprise from a repackaged Harley Quinn character.
Here’s the story line from actually reading the entire comic.
I want to mention that this comic is a jumbo size so there are more pages. It boasts that there are 40 pages, but honestly it is more like 30 with 10 of the pages having no dialogue or anything happening. The other pages are just promo filler.
The story starts off with our main character seeing an ice cream shop called the Ice Cream Bunny, she goes inside the ice cream shop to find instead a bar with adult entertainment.
There are a few people that are out of control, but one guy is the toughest and gets upset when the bartender tries to stop him from having his way with the stripper.
This guy smashes the bartender’s face on the counter, pushes a gun to his face, and right before he assumingly is going to blast this bartender they notice Sweetie.
Sweetie asks “Is he here?” referring to the Ice Cream Bunny, but the men in the comic use it as an opportunity to get attention saying things like “I hope she means me!” when she is obviously not talking about them. Then she asks the bartender if there are any specials which he pretty much says no, but gives her a peppermint schnapps because she wants something sweet. The peppermint schnapps isn’t sweet and she spits it out and proceeds to walk away.
The dude that was going to murder the bartender grabs her ass and gropes her boobs, in which Sweetie cracks a pixie stick and pours half of it into her mouth, and laid the other half on the table. This dude decides that he is going to snort it.
This dude’s face melts off leaving him a bloody gory mess. The guy’s friend gets freaked out and points a gun at Sweetie. Miss Sweetie then blows pixie dust at the gun which melts it and also melts this guy’s arm. As he is laying on the floor holding his arm, Sweetie chews some gum and blows a bubble, and pops the gum on his face that yet again melting this dude into a mess of flesh, blood, and veins.
After Sweetie just killed two people, the stripper goes “I love you” then Sweetie Candy Vigilante brands the stripper and the bartender with her ring pop ring on her way to the jukebox.
A patron in the bar is in shock at what just happened and he tries to snap a picture with his camera phone, but Sweetie doesn’t like that this guy took a picture. She suddenly has a rope of licorice that she uses to lasso this camera phone dude, she ends up breaking this guy’s face and neck with her red licorice rope leaving another bloody pile.
Sweetie picks up the now-dead guy’s phone, snaps a photo, and sends it to Gummee Bear, who is an extremely large neon green gummy bear who is her protector, once she sends the picture she drops the phone and stomps on it to break it.
Before Sweetie Candy Vigilante prances her “My Little Pony” self out of the bar, she finds a Christmas tree and bites on the string lights turning the Christmas Tree into a living being. She gives the Christmas tree a huge hug, turns around yells at the stripper and bartender about cleaning the place as she will be back to check on the place while appointing the Christmas Tree as their new boss.
The last page shows Gummee Bear and Sweetie Candy Vigilante out in the dark snowy night walking away.
Woo, that was a lot even when stripped down. Here’s why this first issue of Sweetie Candy Vigilante is a complete mess.
Sweetie Candy Vigilante our main character of this comic comes off as a dunce
Sweetie sees the Ice Cream Shop, but on the door is a neon sign that says Ice Cream Bunny with a sexy girl dressed as a bunny. She even places her hand on the girl dressed as a bunny like she can’t wait to see her. Yet, when she goes into the Ice Cream Shop that is actually a bar she asks “Is HE here?”
Sweetie Candy Vigilante comes off as a dunce in this comic.
I understand she is in her own world and this is supposed to be funny and quirky especially when she wants ice cream and she starts rattling off different ice cream concoctions, but it comes off rather stupid. Another thing is when the guy sexually harasses her she lets it go on for quite some time before she does anything, yet a guy tries to snap a photo she immediately kills him. What?
The Ice Cream Shop Is A Front For A Crime Syndicate
This doesn’t make any sense and isn’t clear. Especially, if you are someone who just picked up the comic and didn’t do a google search on Sweetie Candy Vigilante.
Even if a place is a front they still run it as a normal operation. If someone goes to a massage parlor that provides happy endings, the person still gets the massage. Anyone that has watched the show Weeds or even watched any show with this sort of setup would know you still have the normal operation of the front ongoing.
The way the story is told is that any random person can just walk into this crime syndicate’s chaos. Seriously, what the actual fuck?
These thugs are just out in the open assaulting people left and right in this bar with strippers that still has ice cream signs all over it.
When Sweetie walks into the establishment it clearly shows a board with today’s specials that show milkshakes are five cents, banana splits ten cents, and so on. Yet, the bartender says there are no specials and they don’t even serve any ice cream, just alcohol.
Okay, you can explain away that this was originally an ice cream shop that turned into a bar with strippers, but you are telling me that the new owners didn’t have time to take down the old menus and remove anything related to ice cream?
The whole setting of this bar is confusing. Even on the outside they still have all of the ice cream decals and the only thing that symbolizes that it is a place for adults is the Ice Cream Bunny sign.
The dialogue in this comic is comically bad.
The bartender calls the guy that almost murders him, brother, like he is Hulk Hogan.
Then you have these grown dudes that are supposed to be bad boys calling Sweetie Candy Vigilante “My Little Pony”, and “Marshmallow Peep”, along with saying things like “Willy Wonka Shit” and she continues with saying things like “It knows if you have been naughty or nice” in reference to her killer pixie dust.
I know this comic book is supposed to be for adults, but the writing is strangely bad, and the pacing is weird. However, I will say the creativity is definitely there, especially with the way Sweetie takes down her opponents which I found to be fun. This is a monthly comic. I am hoping the upcoming issues will be worth my $10 investment.
What Are Your Thoughts About Sweetie Candy Vigilante?
Are you going to pick this up? Have you heard about it? Have you already read it? I would love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment below!
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